CONFESSIONS OF A DANGEROUSLY BASIC BITCH

June 7, 2017 by Mary Cate Smith

BASIC BITCH 101 -DO YOU FIT THE CRITERIA?

The first time I heard the term ‘basic bitch’ was from a gay friend at work. I had no idea what it meant but from his tone, I gleaned that it was first and foremost a derogatory term. Several weeks later, Kate Moss was thrown off an Easyjet flight for becoming reportedly ‘unruly’ after being refused alcohol and called the pilot of a plane a ‘basic bitch.’ Intrigued, I began to conduct some research into the term. It seemed that basic bitches loved avocados, handstands on beaches, ‘but first, coffee’ memes, the Nashville Insta filter, lip fillers (but only like, .5 of a mm), Michael Kors tan totes and gingham Bardot tops ‘got them like… (insert hands up, dancing Flamenco girl emoji).’ At first I thought, what an awful way to describe women but after further investigation, I began to revel in my own basicness. Sharing protein ball recipes with friends? Sign me up. Rockin’ every trend that sets foot into Penney’s though you’d sworn off fast fashion for Lent? Guilty as charged. Carefully manipulate your food/contents of your desk/books/whatever to create a painfully contrived flaylay. Yes, yes and YES. If you’re unsure as to whether you identify with basicness, read on. There’s a little basic bitch in all of us and she’s just dying to be accepted.

GANGSTA BASIC BITCH

Likes: Drake, to bake (mostly protein pancakes from Natural Born Feeder) – she’s werkin on her buns but not so much the guns, monogram and lots of it (think Mary J. Blige and oodles of Louis Vuitton), fishnet tights with ripped jeans and Caterpillar boots, 90s chokers, velvet and incorporating acronyms/slang and made-up words into everyday conversation.

Most likely to say:; ‘YOLO! I got hot sauce in my bag. SWAG.

Signature move: Twerkin in her ass-chafing vintage Levis – dem peaches are LIT!

Favourite haunts: Pygmalion, obvs. Two for one pygtails – it’s a no-brainer, bitches.

BASIC BAE

Likes: Beyonce, eyelash extensions, digital marketing, TOWIE/Made in Chelsea/First Dates, cats, Kate Spade stationery, square nails in nude and balayage brown-to-blonde hair extensions.

Most likely to say: #blessed

Signature move: Raise the roof whilst singing ‘whoop, whoop.’

Favourite haunts: Penney’s, two euro.

THE BASIC PROTEIN QWEEN

Likes: Protein, protein bars, protein balls, Louise Thompson and Ryan Libby (ugh, I was a huge Alec fan) wildly exaggerating ‘cheat day’ on Instagram, the Snapchat butterfly filter, Calvin Klein bras and Adidas superstars.

Most likely to say: If it fits my macros, better known as IIFMM.

Signature Move: Squats, natch, as long as it keeps the peaches LIT AF.

Fave haunts: Tang (the sweet potato or protein pancakes are to die for), Mooch and Flye Fit.

EMBRACE YOUR INNER BASICNESS – I DID

When you love fashion, it’s not very cool to be basic. In other words, Mom jeans and fishnet tights are not going to cut it. In the bloggersphere, there is a terrible fear that you might show up to a press event wearing the exact same outfit as four or five other bloggers. Remember the Pippa dress in Penneys? The star-print mini dress with the choker top – I was one of those bloggers who took multiple selfies in it until I sold it on my Depop. Guess what? It didn’t matter a jot to me. I still felt fabulous. So here’s the thing or three.

1. I like being blonde. Yes, my natural hair colour is mid to dark brown and I’m told it would suit my skin tone better but I’ll be damned if I don’t have my signature blonde till the day I DIE. Basic.

2. I LOVE a good gold hoop and I’ve been known to dabble in ones with serrated edges (deal with it). V. basic.

3. I adore avocados and while I’ve never Instagrammed a picture of them, I would definitely Instagram a pic of me on a beach if a) I could do a handstand b) I had the buns and guns of Gisele and c) it was actually warm enough in Ireland ever to attend a beach without the fear of a seagull attacking your tangle twister.

IT’S OK TO BE A BASIC BITCH

While I like to think of myself as a kook, I have many symptoms of basicness in my repertoire and guess what, I’m not afraid to tell you.

– I genuinely enjoy an almond milk matcha latte and I would happily write it on my Insta stories

– Although I have never watched an episode of the Kardashians, I have no problem with them

– I regularly say ‘thanks hun, Penneys.’

– I own and still wear a Juicy Couture tracksuit and it’s not Juicy x Vetements or even ironic it’s just God damn comfortable and it makes my bum look great, OK?

– I love a strong DARK brown eyebrow although my hair is creamy blonde and it in no way matches

-I’m partial to a ‘dem legs tho’ comment on Instagram

– I adore Ru Paul’s drag race

– I am a common white girl who lifts weights, drinks protein shakes

and calls gin and prosecco ‘bae.’

BE YOU BOO (EVEN IF THAT’S A BASIC BAE)

For years I avoided wearing fifties style skirts because, basic. Blonde hair & pink? Basic.com. SO. WHAT. If you want to call yourself an influencer or a micro-influencer and you hashtag MUA after a one week course at Makeup Forever, GO FOR IT. Be basic, be you, you do you boo. Forget about all the rules and just do what feels good even if everybody else is doing it.