all the men I loved

TO ALL THE MEN I HAVE LOVED, THANK YOU

To the all the men I have loved, thank you.

You have been few though your worth was of many.

You have been lost but you are always with me.

You have carved out a place in my heart that will never be filled. Those human shaped holes, though they may be empty are our shared history. The cracks of my once broken heart cannot be traded or repaired but in the moments we spent together, I experienced the magic of unconditional love, something that cannot be emulated; ephemeral, transient, ultimately breakable but forever etched in my memories.

I too, was loved.

Thank you for telling me I was the most beautiful woman in Ireland. I know you truly believed it even though I knew it wasn’t true, not even by a long shot.Β But I felt like that around you.

Thank you for sending me 12 red roses for the opening night of my play; the one where I played a blind twin eunuch in a oversized, ill -fitting suit. It was the first gift I had ever been given by a man and it was overwhelmingly beautiful. You gave me so much hope for the future.

Thank you for respecting me in every way; for never taking advantage of my vulnerabilities, for telling me you loved me even when I was wearing the pyjamas you like to call ‘the passion killers’ with my frizzy untamed mane and brace intact.

Thank you for the trips around Ireland; for the undiscovered bournes we found together for the very first time.

Thank you for my first ever pint of Guinness at the top of the Guinness store house. I was 18 and looking out over the city, I felt safe and excited to be with you.

Thank you for waiting; for being my friend for almost a year before I was ready to be with you.

Thank you for loving my body; for mapping every mole and freckle, for drawing imaginary lines of love between them and marvelling at every stretch mark and imperfection as if they were fashioned just for your appreciation.

Thank you for writing me a poem that time we broke up; for reaching out with beautiful words and heartfelt thoughts and making me feel like I was the best person in the world.

Thank you for introducing me to so many different types of music; for making me a mix tape, handwritten with a message that still makes me smile.

Thank you for uttering those words ‘I love you’ every single day that we were together.

Thank you for singing in the car with me; for blasting out tunes as we drove for miles and miles not caring if we were in tune, although you always were.

Thank you for helping me get over my fear of dogs; for never telling me it was irrational or silly, for allowing me to cultivate the wonder I now have for those beautiful creatures.

Thank you for bringing me Boo on your motorbike; for searching the internet high and low for the teddy you knew I wanted so badly even though I was an adult with no need for such things.

Thank you for making me tapas at the end of our relationship and telling me how much I had been loved, for making so much of an effort to treat me with the things I loved, for making the end seem less sad even though I was losing the love of my life.

Thank you for forgiving me.

Thank you for the wonderful gifts you gave me especially the Christmas you gave me a gift for each one of my senses. It was the nicest thing anyone has ever done for me.

Thank you for supporting me; for doing everything in your power to help me when I needed you even though you were surviving on so little sleep.

Thank you for making me a roast chicken dinner when I was doing my post-grad and I had an 80,000 word portfolio for a five credit module.

Thank you for all the laughter; we created our own language wherein only we existed.

Thank you for making me a better person; for encouraging me to quit the things that were bad for me; for building me up to the person I knew I could be but had never been without you.

Thank you for teaching me to drive; for putting up with me when I drove down the Phoenix Park in first gear screaming my head off, swearing I would never use second gear.

Thank you for collecting me any time I needed you; when I got lost in UCD, when I fainted that time in the doctor’s andΒ all the other times you jumped in your car at a minute’s notice simply because I needed you.

Thank you for listening to me; for really listening and hearing what I had to say – always.

Thank you for confiding in me; I always loved to hear you talk, even if it was tempered with pain or sadness or worry, I was glad you trusted me.

Thank you for being so in sync; for picking up the phone at the exact same time so when we’d call both would be engaged; for knowing exactly when to be quiet and when to talk; for encouraging me out of my sadness by watching something funny; for knowing when I just needed a cup of tea and a bag of M&Ms.

Thank you for putting out the good china on my birthdays and filling our house with flowers and cards and music and laughter.

Thank you for kissing me in the rain that night in Sandymount where time seemed to stop and touching you felt like electricity.

Thank you for believing in me; in everything I did, always.

Thank you for dancing with me, for holding my hand, for touching my hair, for kissing my cheeks, for eskimo kissing my freezing cold nose, for tanning my back and signing off with ‘a flourish’ as you used to say, for embracing my weirdness, for the cards and letters and declarations of love that I still hold dear.

Thank you for being my best friend.

Thank you for being my best friend.

Thank you for being my best friend.

 

To all the men I have loved, thank you.

You too, have been loved.

 

Featured photo by Gerald Arthur

 

 

4 Comments

  • Reply Tracey June 13, 2017 at 4:22 pm

    What a heart felt blog. So honest & raw. Thank you for sharing your heart & mind with us. You are beautiful, sassy, smart, stylish & successful young lady. There is a perfect man for you out there. He will be a very lucky man 😘

    • Reply admin June 13, 2017 at 11:06 pm

      Aw, Tracey, you are such a sweetheart. Sure, it ain’t so bad being by myself. And cultivating the best kind of love – self love. πŸ˜πŸ’—

  • Reply Fashion horn Fan πŸ’• June 13, 2017 at 6:20 pm

    This blog post was amazing to read, one of my all time favs , thanks for sharing this beautiful piece πŸ’• I’m obsessed

    • Reply admin June 13, 2017 at 11:04 pm

      So nice of you to say Adam, thank you. I really appreciate it. Hope you’re very well.

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