WORLD WAR WENCH AND HER DECENT EXPOSURE

Off-white cropped flares, a lacquered trench coat, pointy-toed pewter ankle boots, a SLIVER OF LEG…..it’s as if I had the equivalent of a sartorial lobotomy. You heard it here first; the part of my brain that collates a stylish outfit has been surgically removed resulting in a markedly less complex psychic life. But, yet, what of it? Stripped of the complexities associated with staying on trend, I now rejoice in all things frivolous and call it self-care; binge-watching the new Dynasty (which devastatingly, I have finished) and Everything Sucks, gorging on doughnuts (because it is simply more economical to buy three), over-lining my lips a la Kylie and abbreviating every second word; natch, poss, whatevs, sitch. I have surrendered to the simpler things in life and am now almost 97.99% basic.

CROPPED KNITS KISS THE MID-RIFF

Cropped knits are better off limited to Victoria Secret models, I hear you say. Cropped knits are the 2018 version of the early naughties sleeveless polo neck – completely obselete with absolutely no function, I hear you say. Cropped knits are just plain wrong, I hear you say. Right? Wrong. Pair your cropped knit with some high-waisted jeans, (think 9 inch cowboy crotch) and you’re good to go. Your abs (or lack thereof) will be banished beyond the belt – nobody will know you even have skin, which in my book is always winning. Skin is so last season.

TRENCH COATS – IN COGNITO OR CARLITO’S WAY?

The perennially popular trench coat has been championed down through the ages. Think Al Pacino in Carlito’s Way, Faye Dunaway in Bonnie and Clyde, Humphrey Bogart in Casablanca, Marilyn Monroe in Let’s Make Love, Audrey Hepburn in Breakfast at Tiffany’s and now, Mary Cate Smith in this blog post. This wonderful article from The Gentleman’s Gazette reminds me that Hitler rocked a leather trench coat back in the day. It says “Out of respect for the victims of the Third Reich, black leather trench coats should never be worn,” a fact I never even considered but I am very glad now that this Penneys number is faux. I regret to say I did dabble in leather outerwear when I was a teenager but thankfully, there exists no photographic evidence. Vinyl is where its at and this particular trench is extremely convenient for flashers as it has no pesky buttons at all and makes for a quick strip. I highly recommend it for all-Ireland final streaking gigs or extremely low brow stag dos.

What way do you wear your trench coat? Streaker-tastic or Inspector Gadget ahoy? Would you rock this coat to a streaking party? Do you think I look sufficiently aloof and endearing in this wool beret and if you were an Adonis crafted from the Gods themselves, would you approach me as I lounged around a bookstore like I mentioned in this article?

PHOTOS: Kieran Russell

OUTFIT DETAILS:

Trench, cropped knit, jeans and boots, Penneys.

Hat: George’s Street arcade. Similar here.

Earrings: Topshop, similar here.

Here are some more trench coats I love, scaled in my chips meter of pricing. Click on the image to shop.

CHIPS METER: TRUFFLE-INFUSED FRIES WITH SHAVINGS OF PARMESAN AND FOIE GRAS

CHIPS METER: SWEET POTATO FRIES WITH ROSEMARY AND HIMALAYAN SALT

CHIPS METER (LEO BURDOCK’S WITH A FEW SCALLOPS THROWN IN)